my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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