wanna go halves on a baby?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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