Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
