Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
