Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
