im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
