Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
only if we run a train.
done.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
