I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
