my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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