Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
