I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
