There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
