Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
