There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Sober January is a disaster.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
