it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
