me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
