yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
