I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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