Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
