yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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