You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
