I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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