Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
