he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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