Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
