Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
