Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
