Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
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i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
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I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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