I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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