Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Your penis caused this!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
