All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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