pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
MIDGETS
????
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
