Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
