all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
