Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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