remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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