i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
BRING THE BAGELS
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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