Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
