after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
