i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
