I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
