and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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