i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
