Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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