remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
