I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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