Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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