Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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