she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
