nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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