I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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