No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
