Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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