I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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