I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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